Monthly Archives: March 2020

Fed Up – Is Emotional Labor Crushing Your Spirit?

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I’d had Fed Up by Gemma Hartley on my e-reader for a while, but was hesitant to start it, as I was afraid it was another relentless read about misogyny that would crush my spirit. I eventually started reading it while on a snowboarding holiday with enough exercise and positivity around to counter any potential sadness.
While the middle section of the book could have been snappier (this is true for many non-fiction books in my opinion), the beginning of the book made me realize something about my behavior in relationships. While the book mainly talks about romantic relationships I feel that it applies to friendships and professional relationships too.

The book is about emotional labor and how women are still doing the majority of it. Emotional labor is emotion management and life management combined. Emotional labor includes remembering to send birthday cards to friends and family, remembering to get the laundry done before anyone runs out of socks and knickers, knowing what everyone’s favorite meal is and making sure all the ingredients are on the grocery list and generally noticing when something in or around the house needs cleaning, replacing or tidying. Trying to remember all these things, worrying that you might be forgetting something and making sure it all gets done can be draining. It’s an invisible and unpaid mental burden.

To be clear, emotional labor is not so much about who’s doing the work. It’s more about who remembers that it needs to get done and who worries about it. Imagine that you have agreed with your partner that they take out the bin, but you have to regularly remind them that the bin is full or that the trash will be picked up tomorrow. That reminding needs to be kind and considerate, otherwise, you risk getting into a fight. If you have to remember them more than once it’s going to be even more difficult to ask them kindly without losing patience and without making it feel to them like you’re nagging. The amount of energy that you need to invest in the asking is almost not worth it. It’s tempting to do it yourself.

While I don’t have a partner or kids this did open my eyes about my role in many relationships, both in the past and today. I’m a bit of a control freak and I like everyone to be taken care of, which can lead to me trying to think for a lot of other people. It’s not that these people can’t think for themselves, or don’t want to think for themselves. I’m so on top of things that I don’t even give them a chance.

In the book, the author is going through the steps of trying to divide the emotional labor in her household equally among her and her partner. As with every problem, the first step is realizing what’s going on. What’s causing the frustration and resentment that she is feeling? When she figures this out (and writes a widely read article in Harper’s Bazaar about it) the next step is to try and explain the problem to her partner. This is more difficult than she expects and it requires patience. The chances of convincing your partner of your point of view while shouting it at them during an argument are very close to zero. You’ll need to invest time in explaining it while both of you are calm and able to have a proper conversation. Probably more than once.

Even after she’s made her partner understand they struggle to improve balancing the emotional labor between them. Eventually, she realizes that she is the one blocking improvement. Every time her husband takes care of something he does it differently than she would have done and she criticizes him that he’s doing it wrong. Sometimes telling him off, sometimes even redoing his work. Only when she realizes that she is sabotaging his efforts things start to improve.
If you feel like you are picking up more than your fair share of emotional labor be honest with yourself. Do you give your partner, friend or colleague a fair chance? Or do you step in to ensure perfectionism (aka things getting done your way)?

The beginning of the corona-crisis for me was a good reminder of this dynamic. I tend to try to carry the weight of the world and that of the people around me on my shoulders at the best of times. Doing so during a global pandemic when everyone is having a hard time adjusting and finding a workable balance is insane and unsustainable. After having tried to think and find solutions for relatively minor problems for more than 400 people for a few days I realized I had to focus on the big picture, or I was going to hurt myself not by getting infected with corona, but by worrying about everyone’s sorrows.

I’m happy to say that after two weeks I’ve found a much better balance. Changing this dynamic was made easier by the whole world changing every few days at the same time. Patterns were being broken everywhere, so this was just one more thing that changed.
Changing the dynamics that have been built for many years in a relationship is a lot harder. Although even those might be easier to change right now while we are all scrambling to find a balance inside our homes and coming to grips with an outside world that feels alien and has changed completely in the last couple of weeks.
The world might never be the same. Can you say the same about how emotional labor in your relationships is divided?

Emotional Labor

My bubble

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Sorry for the long radio silence. And now that I’m finally writing, it’s not even about a book. Feel free to skip this post if you’re here for the book reviews.

Two weekends ago, when I was supposed to write, it was the first weekend we were asked to stay home as much as possible. Even though the guidance from the government still left a lot of room to move about at that point it felt daunting. I actually started a post, but couldn’t concentrate and only wrote a single paragraph. I was trying to get my head around everything that was happening and I couldn’t.
Last weekend I just couldn’t be bothered to write, because what’s the point anyways?

I’m finally starting to find my bearing again. Let me make clear that I’m extremely lucky. I’m healthy and I live in a beautiful home, right next to a lake, so I can walk out the door and enjoy the calming influence of loudly quacking water birds. I don’t have any kids, so I don’t have to balance working and homeschooling. I don’t have a partner, so I don’t have to compete for the best place to work in the house. I have a job that allows me to work from home and I work in an industry that can continue to function even if there will, of course, be a pretty significant impact. The company I work for is healthy and it’s always very people-focused. In these challenging times, the number one priority is still our people and their well-being and it’s heartwarming and reassuring.

You might wonder what the problem is then exactly. It turns that the world-changing completely and being asked to stay home as much as possible and away from other people is discombobulating. I live in a place where disasters are usually happening far away. We don’t have earthquakes, bush fires, wars, tornados or tsunamis. As I said, I’m very lucky. I like to be in control and I’m not used to experiencing the news first hand.

It turns out that a global pandemic is pretty far outside of my span of control and it took me a while to get to grips with how that made me feel. It’s not just the virus and what it does to the world and its people. It’s also trying to stay away from other people and to an extend becoming afraid of other people. Going to the supermarket generates so much stress that it gives me a stomach ache at the moment. And I worry about my parents and about the economic impact all this has on several of my friends.

I usually work from home approximately one day per week and I love it. I try to block that day so I don’t have many meetings and it allows me to get stuff done. It’s normally the most relaxed workday of the week.
Now that I’m working from home every day it’s completely different. I have back to back meetings (calls) on most days and it’s very intense. Much more intense than a day at the office. I haven’t been able to pinpoint why exactly, but I’ve heard this from several other people too, so it’s not just me. At the end of a workday, I’m shattered at the moment.

Right, sorry, I had to get that out of my system. It’s not all bad though. Several things are helping me to stay sane and entertained.

  • I’d been thinking about getting a monitor for my “home office” since I moved in here five years ago, but so far had been putting it off. The prospect of working from home provided the final push to finally get a large monitor to use when I’m working from home. I love my upgraded “home office”.
  • I exercise at least every other day. There are no work-dinners or social gatherings, so planning has gotten pretty straight forward. It’s either going for a run or indoor rowing as the options are somewhat limited. It had been a while since I had run due to the terrible weather in February. Since we’ve mostly been locked inside the sun has come out and it makes all the difference.
  • I go out for a 30-minute lunch walk every day to clear my head. It’s wonderful (and necessary).
  • I’m spending more time playing the piano. No commute means there’s more time in the evening. I love playing the piano. I’m no good, but I love it.
  • I’ve finally become a patron of some artists that I admire. This was also something that I had wanted to do for a while, but never took the time to do. As artists need our help now more than ever this felt like a good time to finally take action.

I’m an introvert at the best of times. I like being at home and reading while drinking a lot of tea. This is a good time to be an introvert.

If you read this far, thank you for indulging me. I will try to resume normal book review service again this weekend. In the meantime, please stay healthy and take care of yourself and the people around you if you can. Be safe and be kind.

Home Office

Daring Greatly

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Daring Greatly by Brené Brown is about vulnerability and connection. To be able to create a genuine connection with other people you need to show your true self. You need to dare to be vulnerable. It might feel safe to put up an armor and hide behind it, but it also means that you isolate yourself behind the shield that you put up. When we can’t connect to others we suffer. The safety we perceive behind our shield is a farce. It hurts us more than that it protects us.

When someone shares their fears it resonates, because we recognize them. We all feel similar fears and seeing them in others is comforting. It shows us that we are not alone.
But while we find other people’s vulnerability attractive and relatable, we see our own vulnerability as a weakness.

  • Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.
  • Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.
  • I’m drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine.

The reason we find it so hard to be vulnerable is because we are afraid of shame. Shame is the most primitive human emotions and we all have it (except when you’re a sociopath).
Shame is the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I’m not worthy. I’m not good enough. I’m unlovable. I don’t belong.
Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. There are no positive outcomes attached to shame. It’s a destructive emotion.

Shame is the fear of disconnection. It’s something that we attach to ourselves, not to our behavior, making it intensely painful and hard to get out of. We don’t even want to mention shame, and the more convulsive we are about avoiding it, the more power it has over us.
The most effective way to avoid shame is to stay connected. When we feel shame creeping up, instead of putting up our armor we should lower it. We should show our vulnerability despite our fears. That’s what courage looks like.

I feel that being vulnerable and avoiding shame has a lot to do with being authentic. I’ve written here about being bullied as a kid. As a result, I still often feel that people are talking about me behind my back and a fear of shame is never far away. I know intellectually that most people are way too busy with themselves to spend any brain cycles on me, but the fear of being made fun of is deeply embedded in me.

In a sort of weird twist, I’m also unapologetically me. I know what I want and I give absolutely zero fucks about what other people think about that. I prefer to spend an evening on the sofa with a book over going to a party and I’m not afraid to say it out loud. I don’t drink when going out for dinner (especially if the dinner is work-related). And when I travel I always bring a power strip. I’ve been made fun of for that many times. Yet the same people who make fun of it often make use of it.

I’m not afraid of sharing my insecurities and challenges. This is unusual in the IT consultancy world. Yet whenever I do it, especially when presenting in front of larger groups, many people tell me how much they appreciate it.
Despite being comfortable in my own skin I still find myself regularly nodding or uhuh-ing to avoid having to indicate that I don’t understand what was being said, or because I don’t agree but am afraid that my opinion is not a popular one. I try to avoid shame by hiding behind a mask and it never feels right.
The more we are able to be and share our full selves the easier it is to find connection and courage.

We don’t just have to deal with shame in our attempts to be vulnerable and connected. We live in a culture of never enough. As soon as we wake up in the morning we think “I didn’t get enough sleep”. The next thought is “I don’t have enough time”. We spend most of our waking hours hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of. Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, behind, lacking something.

This mind-set of scarcity lives at the very heart of our jealousies, our greed, our prejudice, and many of our arguments both with ourselves and with others. It’s hard to be vulnerable and connected when you feel like you are lacking the time and resources to do what you feel you have to do. I challenge you to be honest with yourself the next time you feel like you are being attacked by the scarcity monster. Is there really not enough or are you stressing out and pushing for more out of habit?

Get into the vulnerability arena and put your armor down. Being brave is not winning or losing, it’s showing up. Be authentic. Instead of going for the easy sarcastic snark, try saying something positive when you have a chance. Support others in their attempts to be vulnerable too. Be willing to sit with the discomfort of your own and other people’s vulnerability.
The world can be a much nicer place if we’re all brave enough to show our true selves. Let’s dare greatly.